Monday, January 28, 2013

Surviving the End of a Relationship Part 3- Emerging More Empowered and Determined than Ever. The Choice is yours…..

I wrote part III to this blog and rewrote it a few different times. My goal is for it to be helpful, inspiring and motivating but at the same time practical. In the end recovering from a break up or the end of any relationship is truly up to the commitment and determination of the individual that's looking to move forward after a crisis change has transpired. What I mean by a crisis change is one that has left a person in a terrible identity crisis, one that is brought uncertainty and shook the life of the individual to the core of their being. As stated in the previous blogs when a serious relationship (one where we are deeply emotionally invested) comes to an end it often can leave both partners in a serious state of uncertainty as its marks the end of plans, goals and dreams that you as a couple shared The relationship with all that it was not only defined you as a couple but also as individuals.

The single most empowering event is often the realization that this is a chance to improve yourself, improve your life and make new plans and goals. You “can” sit for years and reflect on the past and the woulda/shoulda scenarios. You can stay angry, you can place blame but ultimately the most powerful thing you can do is change your perspective to one that seizes this opportunity for massive and drastic improvement.  This is yet another opportunity to get to know yourself and decide what exactly you desire in every area of your life. If you hate uncertainty like most of us do then this is a time to pull out your secret weapon. Your secret weapon is you’re creativity and ability to dream. The time spent dwelling on what caused the end of the relationship isn’t a very good investment because nothing will give the opportunity to do anything different with past events. In relationships we are only in control of ourselves and our role. By embracing this fact  you will be able to take control of your life and your future.

Most won’t define what exactly they want, in my coaching practice I’m amazed at times by the reluctance to write out a “Life Plan” as ideas aren’t plans. Time spent trying hit a moving target floating around in your thoughts isn’t very efficient or economical with your emotions or time. Really you want to feel better about life and fast, Right? This only happens with “action”. But without a plan where do you focus your action? The time spent staring at the wall reflecting back isn’t time very well spent if you want to take control of your life and feel better anytime soon.

The faster you can accept the end and come to terms with the fact that your life will never be the same again the sooner your efforts to move forward will become more effective. Yes in most of these situations we are left with a certain amount of hurt and resentment. Some might be saying right now, Ernie you don’t understand, this person was everything to me, we had so many plans, and nobody understood me like this person. I do understand, I understand that your frequencies and vibrations were the same for a time and somewhere along the way that all changed getting you to this point. I understand that YOUR WORLD HAS BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. I understand that feeling like this is emotionally draining and nobody likes feeling like this a minute more than they have to.

The good news is by dedicating your time and making a commitment to yourself you can become stronger and happier than ever before. Perspective and decision are so powerful and by changing perspective we can effectively view this horrible loss as an opportunity. But opportunity is worthless without defining what you want. Defining what you want is worthless without action and action is worthless without consistency and commitment. You see nobody can stop you now; the only way you will fail is if you give up and decide to take the path of least resistance..

·        Acceptance- You don’t have to like it or agree with it but refusing to accept the circumstances that led to this change in your life will hold you back and keep you from moving forward or finding long term happiness more than anything else. Embrace the change, as crazy as it sounds change is happening might as well steer the ship.

·        Perspective- A shift in perspective will help how you view this change in a way that serves you and your happiness best. Instead of focusing on all that was lost spend time focusing on what you still have. View this change as an opportunity to emerge stronger, happier and more empowered than ever. You’re going to be even sexier and more attractive when the time comes to give somebody else your heart. You’re going to know without a doubt that you can be happy and strong as an individual and your ability to be either of those two things doesn’t depend on anything external such as a relationship. In reality your sense of self is tremendously affected by what you believe about yourself. The trick to adjusting your perspective about the change you’ve experienced is to find reasons to feel good about yourself. Make changes that you feel good about. As time goes by you will learn to trust that no matter what happens or what anybody else says or does YOU will be able to figure out what is next, you always find a way, you always survive, you always land on your feet. This concept is liberating because you trust and believe in yourself.

·        Action- In theory all of this is good stuff but like I tell my coaching clients “you have to do the work”. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Time will dull the discomfort but really how much control of your life do you have if you’re just waiting for time to heal all wounds or waiting for time to improve your life? Take action; rid yourself of any thought, person or thing that doesn’t serve your sense of self. This sounds selfish and it is because I am asking you to take care of you, love yourself, build yourself up and take massive action to put the past behind and create a better more fulfilling reality.

To conclude the choice is yours to suffer until the pain dulls itself away or use this experience as a milestone and turning point to emerge the most empowered and best you. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Turn every “why I can’t” into “why I can” statements and then “what can I do today” to get closer to your dream life. I’d bet somewhere along the way somebody or something new will join you on this new journey.

My name is Ernie Garcia, I am a Professional DivorceRecovery and Transition Coach. I help people find a firm footing and discover a new path after divorce or a life changing event by focusing on the present and the future.

Be good to yourself!


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Surviving The End of a Relationship Part 2

The neutral zone is the time period after a crisis change has occurred and has been acknowledged emotionally. In this case it’s the End of a Relationship. This is a time for reflecting, a time where healing has begun and moving forward is becoming a reality. Obviously when we find ourselves in Neutral Zone we can experience a whole array of feelings including despair, disappointment, betrayal and grief but at the same time experience excitement, optimism, creativity and determination. For some the feelings of despair and grief can become so overwhelming that the urge to restore the broken relationship seems like the only logical solution to relieve the pain. In some cases this isn’t an option once the relationship has been terminated. In cases where it is an option it’s important to do a self-analysis and determine what is driving that urge. It might seem as though restoring the relationship is “the only thing” that will stop the heart break. This in reality is an illusion.

Whether that option is open or not it’s important to define what the ending means, define what has ended and what hasn’t, respect the past, acknowledge the ending openly and take a small piece of the old story with you as you author a new story. By taking the path of least resistance some gravitate back to the old story and when the old characters and places are no longer available they replace the old characters and places but write the old story all over again. The better option is the embrace disenchantment, acknowledge what circumstances haven’t served you well in the past, throw all caution to the wind and create a new story with new characters, places and events. 

Pain and pleasure drive all behavior, while acknowledging that the end of the relationship has been painful even in situations where the end was necessary and possibly the only option; we have to be mindful that restoring the old story may possibly be traveling the path of least resistance. It may bring temporary relief however if changes in habits and patterns aren’t reprogrammed by both parties the “old story” will eventually be relived. The myth goes something like this; “there is a perfect choice or answer”. The illusion tells us that the perfect choice will solve all of the problems.

While in the Neutral Zone we must define and map the new story, the neutral zone is the time to self-analyze and determine what serves us well and what doesn’t. We leave what is broken behind and keep what is working and move forward. Remember our thoughts generate our feelings and we become what we feel. If the thoughts and questions that consume our minds don’t promote a greater sense of self then changing beliefs is necessary, we need to begin thinking better thoughts about ourselves and asking better questions. Reminding ourselves continuously about our failures will only breed more failure. Those failures are also lessons and catalysts for change and should be perceived as such. Acknowledge failures but reinforce the fact that our past failures have no ability to define us unless we make the decision to be defined by them. That simple principle is a simple recipe creating the new story.  Also this is a time to determine what your legacy is in advance. Log your neutral zone experience, brainstorm, dream big and prepare for a new journey. What would be unfinished or what dream unlived if your life ended today? Determine your legacy.

The Neutral Zone is a time for you, a time to reflect and a time to dream. Remember with every end is a beginning. In Part 3 we’ll explore the “New Beginning” and not only surviving the end of a relationship but emerging empowered and determined like never before to achieve what you never dreamed was possible.

I am currently writing an eBook  that will be a lot more in depth than is possible to blog. If you find yourself drowning in divorce or a break up and could use a partner to assist you in strategizing your emergence from this life changing event please visit my website and contact me for a powerful complimentary strategizing session. 

Part 3: Emerging Empowered and Determined coming soon.
As always be good to yourself!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Surviving the end of a relationship.

Surviving the end of a relationship. 

Part 1 An Overview

 Before publishing this blog I decided to add this paragraph at the beginning. For those who have experienced a difficult break-up, separation or divorce recently I want you to know one thing at this moment. My message to you is simply; "This isn't the end of your story". You can get up and get back on your feet you will smile inside again. My job as a transition and divorce coach is to help  develop the best strategy for you going forward. Ive been through this (more than once) and have discovered some helpful insights to stay focused while healing and deciding what the next move is.Not only will you survive but you will thrive once again!

Break ups often mark the end of something even bigger than the relationship itself. The break up often marks the end of a dream and the strong visualization of a shared happiness with the person that we have trusted with our most sacred vulnerabilities. When we let somebody “in” they become a part of us; the synergy and shared happiness is addicting and while it lasts creates bliss. Some have said there is no better feeling than being in love. I’ve been there, heck we’ve all been there and most of us have also experienced the sudden end to a romantic relationship that was very important to us.

I heard it put this way before with the illustration of two spiders intertwining their webs together for a period of time and then when the relationship ends the two spiders rip apart the web structure while retreating. These webs could be a number of things including emotions, trust, vulnerability, hope, dreams and a very deep respect. A new identity was cultivated during the relationship for both partners involved. The relationship started with both partners having their own unique qualities and personalities then the relationship was born the relationship took on a life and identity of its own. For some the identity of the relationship overtook the unique identity of one or both of the parties involved. Often when relationships end one or both people involved find themselves going through an identity crisis.

Whatever the reason for the demise they find themselves in whirlwind of emotion often feeling as though their whole entire world has been turned upside down. Whether it’s the person bringing the end of the relationship or the person left behind, the end of the relationship marks the death of something that once had an identity and a life of its own. The termination of the relationship marks the death of everything that at one time had made the relationship great. With loss comes grief and all of its phases. For some the grief is overwhelming and cannot be managed the same as it can be for others. 

One of the most challenging issues that people face is uncertainty; relationships obviously end for a variety of reasons but being the creatures of habit that we all are most of us have a difficult time with uncertainty. The very thought of having to pick up the pieces and start over is one that is met with dread and despair. For that reason a lot of times we stay in relationships that no longer serve our best interests. We stay plugged in and make renewed efforts to stay in the familiar. Our brains are wired in such a way that they look for the fastest solution to escape the emotional turmoil that has spawned due to sudden end of the familiar. 

Most if not all of us have been on both sides of ending a romantic relationship. The sudden change and repercussions vary and are mostly determined by several dynamics unique to every relationship including the emotional investment of each person, the duration, the health of the relationship and the level of commitment. Obviously there are many other factors and every relationship and the people involved are very unique. 

One thing for sure is that regardless of the relationship and circumstances it is difficult to move forward after our hearts have been broken. Some of us have found ourselves in a place where it’s very difficult to even consider picking up the pieces and moving forward. The devastation of the loss experienced can often leave one or both participants paralyzed. In part 2 of this blog series we will begin looking at ways to start feeling better and moving forward creating a new story and a new life. It’s not enough just to survive a break-up I believe to survive is just one step but ultimately I believe we need to thrive and this transition like many is a chance to write a new story, take the lessons and experiences good/ bad and use them to grow and improve. 

The period immediately after the demise is sometimes described as the neutral zone where we process, grieve and begin to heal. In Part 2 I will write about the neutral zone. Remember happiness is a choice and decision is powerful, I am a rut destroyer, if you’re stuck and need support moving forward don’t hesitate to contact me right away. The first 45 minute session is complimentary and will be used to define the outcome and strategize.

As always, Be good to yourself