Saying all of that to say this……

 Saying all of that to say this…… 

As I get ready to say goodbye to the year 2012 and enter 2013 I find myself reflecting about the highs and lows that the present year has brought. I think about the tremendous successes that I've had, the growth, the healing that took place and all the knowledge I've gained.

 My life was transformed in such a way that looking back I can't even believe that the old life was actually mine. There were many lessons in the old life that made the person that I am today but there was also a lot of pain. But pain was the catalyst for change and is our natural “compass” so to speak that advises us to go another direction.

You see I took ownership of somebody else’s life controlling problem (which is a really nice way of saying the word addiction). I thought I was doing the right thing but when we take ownership and make somebody else’s problems our own even though we think we’re doing it out of love we are actually easing the painful consequences that come from the reckless behavior. We in essence rob the other person of the compass, the catalyst for change. We then confuse love with enablement.

My reasons for trying to help were selfish also because I wanted to ease the pain that I felt while watching this person destroy herself, her life and hurt so many around her. In the end I found my way and realized I was trying to save somebody that didn’t want to be saved. More times than not there is a deep underlying issue (or many) buried deep inside the addict and numbing that pain even for a short time is sometimes worth all the insane consequences and hurt in their clouded minds.

The duration of time spent on the pathway of the addicts destruction is up to the individuals affected. My duration was around 18 months and included arrests, car wrecks, lies and just about anything else that comes to mind. For a long time I wouldn’t reveal what happened, I would’ve rather lied about it. But the coward named addiction hides in the lies and denial of the addict and their loved ones. So my mantra now days if you will is; “F@(k you addiction, I’m not afraid of you and have vowed to Coach and write to help as many people transitioning out of situations similar to what I went through as I can.” Anybody that picks up the pieces and moves forward after a life altering event like that or worse is a warrior in my eyes and I have vowed to give the rest of my life to Coaching and Supporting them.

In the end I walked, I chose to save myself, my children and what was left of my life. I gave all my energies to becoming as clear as I could. I put together a plan starting at the end. I mapped out where I wanted to go by the end of 2012 and listed Milestones or steps to get there. I broke up this plan into small, measurable pieces so it didn’t seem so overwhelming. The first few weeks were the most difficult. I used the illustration of rolling a huge boulder up a hill knowing that when I got it to the top and released it the weight and momentum of my huge plans would roll powerfully and effortlessly while collecting speed down the other side of the hill.

 It's amazing how much your life can change the during course of the year. I use the term New Year's resolution lightly because I believe that we have the ability to make resolutions every single day. Anything that isn't growing is actually dying when you think about it. When you see a tree without leaves during the summer it's usually dead because trees don't stay dormant during the summer. I look at it like every day is a summer day and we have a chance to thrive, a chance to grow, a chance to improve and chance to be happier than we've ever been before.

 Many find themselves in a similar precarious situation, no they might not be living with an addict but they know that something needs to give, something needs to change or maybe an uncontrollable change has happened to them. We sometimes find ourselves (often more than once) in a transitional phase. Chances are if you’re already thinking “change” then change is already happening. The course you decide to take into this New Year is up to you. Don’t be disillusioned and attempt to write the same story with different characters or places. Its time to throw all caution to the wind and go for broke!

History is full of people who have stood up to uncertainty, threw caution to the wind and went for it. If you burn inside to own your own business then visualize what it would be like to do it, feel the “Pleasure it brings and associate that pleasure with your plan. Break down the steps to attain the goal. Dream big! Huge corporations didn’t start off huge but they did one thing that so many fail to do. They started! Yes get started!

See Pain and Pleasure drive all of our decisions in life. We move away from Pain and Gravitate towards Pleasure. Whatever we associate with Pleasure is what we will gravitate towards. It’s important that we associate Pleasure to things or people who serve our best interests and sense of self. People with life controlling problems like the one mentioned earlier associate Pleasure with the feeling they get by numbing their emotional pain with chemicals. This is why addiction is so hard to overcome.

“You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.” -Tony Robbins

 I see so many people making tons of money in a crap economy, they’re not lucky, NO! They’re innovative. They’ve harnessed their creativity; they’ve tapped into their talents/passions and made bold moves to better their lives and fill the voids. These same principles apply in every area of our lives. We fail to organize our ideas and turn them into plans. We continuously try to hit a moving target instead of defining what it is that we really want out of life. Decide! Dig deep and pin point what will fill that void of discontentment within you.

 If you’ve already determined this and are operating in your passion and “calling” then reach out and help others. To change this world we need to start taking care of each other again.

My friends I challenge you to make 2013 the best year yet for yourself, your family and friends. Dream big, get started, make a plan, set goals, and move forward. Inches turn into feet and feet turn into yards, yards then turn into miles but we don’t get any place without taking the first step.

I am looking for world changers, warriors and people ready to step into the power that lies within. If this is you I will partner with you, we will brainstorm and strategize to find the best course of “Action” to get you where you want to go. I have a limited amount of slots available going into 2013 so don’t hesitate to contact me right away.

The clock is ticking before you know it we’ll be facing 2014 and beyond. Happy New Year Friends! Thanks so much for all of your love and support. You’ve got this!

My name is Ernie Garcia I am a Transitional Coach, I help people in ruts move forward and make their dreams real after a life changing event.

Be Good to Yourself!

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Beating doom and gloom during the holidays.

Beating doom and gloom during the holidays.

With the holidays here so many people find themselves in a holiday funk. The holidays sometimes mark the end of a tough year or we find ourselves reminiscing to a past era and people or places that were once in our lives. I know for me personally this Christmas season marks the end of a bitter sweet year. One where there were many losses and also one where the biggest shift and transformation in my life also took place. In the end this was a victorious year for me but I personally can’t wait for 2013. 

The New Year is setting up to be one of the best years ever for me. After feeling as though I had lost my entire life, personality, confidence and self-esteem at one point it’s definitely time to turn the page on 2012.

Yes! You read that right, I found myself early in 2012 in one of the ugliest places I have ever been. I never fantasized about death before ever until this time. It wasn’t that I had contemplated suicide but I found myself wondering if I died in a car wreck or crossing the street if things would just be better. Maybe the pain would stop or the frustration would end.

I hit rock bottom in a sense and no amount of positive thought or fight could get me out of the funk I was in. I hated so many things I had experienced in life; mostly the failures. I misconstrued this to mean that I was a failure. I thought of my kids thinking that they deserved a better Daddy, one that wasn’t a failure. Crazy stuff because honestly I am their hero but when we’re off emotionally we tend to tell ourselves all sorts of lies.

Ah……enough of that shit! Right??

2012 was also a year of self-realization that I was in control of many more things than I even knew. I was one decision away from the beginning of turning things around in so many areas. Decision is powerful but taking massive action starts the momentum. Momentum is needed to keep the ball rolling in the right direction based on where we want to go. We fail because we lack consistency.

Why do we lack consistency when it comes to making our lives what we want them to be? I believe some of the reasons are.

We lose energy

We lose motivation

We take the path of least resistance

We don’t know when to throw in the towel and do something different.

We link pain with making changes instead of focusing on the pleasure that will come in the long term.

We fail to break the limiting patterns.

We hate uncertainty and will often stay in the same place rather then throw all caution to the wind and make massive change.

You’re probably asking “What the heck does this have to do with the holiday blues Ernesto?” Well I know for some that the holidays represent the end of the year, another year of unfulfilled plans and hopes. For others the holiday season represents an idea. It’s tough when we dream of a season with family and with a significant other and due to circumstances our expectations aren’t reality. In our modern culture we have broken families and so many single parents. Not to mention that we could’ve experienced significant loss during the course of the year also and now were facing our first holiday without__________.

With that said the Holidays also represent an ending for those that find themselves with the holiday blues but interestingly enough the same holidays also represent a beginning. What is it the beginning of? This is where we have a choice, to Author the book or be an observer. We can create our lives or watch our lives unfold. 

Every holiday season will be unique, it is important to put the pieces in place as we begin to author a new story for 2013 and beyond. I am hopeful that when we look back from Christmas 2013 that we will remember Christmas 2012 as a mark for new beginnings. Yes my own circumstances for this Christmas season surely aren’t where I expected to find myself but at the same time I am so excited about where my life is headed going into the future. As I have seen so many areas of my life come together quickly I know that the other areas are about to burst at the seams with prosperity and happiness as I take steps to improve those as well.

In conclusion I would encourage anybody reading this that is blue to consider the following.

Take time in the next few days to reflect and accept whatever circumstance there is that you wish was different and making you blue. Once you have owned the past and accepted the circumstance its time to move forward, dream big and write a new story. Knowing and clearly defining what you want is step one. By doing this we establish a target to shoot at instead of using the ole’ trial and error method. An idea becomes a plan once it’s put on paper. Write out what you want your life to look like, describe it in writing. Be very specific. Once it’s written out were ready to evaluate the steps we can take immediately and steps that will follow after. The important thing is to gain momentum, the fear of the unknown is what keeps most people from diving in but soon with consistency the momentum builds and the process almost becomes effortless. 

Use this time of endings and beginnings to rewrite your story, set a time frame and get to work. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want put all your focus and energy on what you DO want. Kick start your new story now and get this thing rolling!.

Happy Holidays!

Be good to yourself!

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Staying Centered in the Midst of Chaos.

Staying Centered in the Midst of Chaos.

I’ve visited with so many people lately as I begin my new journey in Personal Development and Coaching. A common theme that seems to always pop in conversation and coaching sessions is “mind chatter”. Most that I’ve talked to didn’t know this term but once I gave it a name we both knew we were talking about the same exact thing.

Some definitions of Mind Chatter are as follows. The conversations we have with ourselves, the question and answer game inside of our minds, playing out all possible scenarios of what can happen or what should have happened. The list to define this could be endless but I am sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Some of us at some point due to circumstances become so distracted that we can’t even remember why we walked in the next room. We remember that we needed to retrieve something from the car in the driveway but don’t remember what. During the short walk from point A to point B we were probably overwhelmed with thought and conversations with ourselves that took us away from “the Present Moment”.

In my case prior to the biggest and most drastic transformation in my life I was worried sick about somebody I loved. I was crazy scared about a problem that was causing her to self-destruct; this problem affected every area of her life and our relationship in ways that can’t be expressed by words in this blog. In my case for many reasons that weren’t emotionally or mentally healthy at all I became obsessed with fixing this problem. I was more concerned and worried about this issue than she was.

I found myself always thinking about the future and “what could happen” or thinking about all of the past hurt that this problem had caused. I was hardly ever in the present moment and was rarely engaged with my life, my kids or anything for that matter. I was emotionally and physically exhausted all of the time. This daily pattern grew stronger and stronger as I developed habits of obsessing every single day over a problem that I had no control over whatsoever. We do this sometimes because we don’t like the pain that these circumstances bring. So we whether consciously or subconsciously look for a way to fix them to prevent us from being hurt again. 

The good news is we can step out of this chaos. When we are fully engaged in the present moment the hurt from the past or the fear of the future have no power of us. In fact we need to be in full awareness to be able to make the best decisions to both heal from the past and make plans that will allow long term happiness and improvement in our lives. 

In our pursuit of happiness and fulfillment we are drawn to those things that bring us pleasure and we resist those that bring pain. To make the best decisions for long term happiness we need to be aware and focused so we don’t miss opportunity. In my own life due to having to switch jobs I found myself making considerably less money than I was accustomed to. I was stressed about what I was going to do for over a year. In the midst of the mind chatter and chaos I had overlooked a very simple option that was so obvious. When I finally stepped out of the situation that consumed my life and mind I saw this option and was able to pay off all of my debt including my vehicle, credit cards, lowered my mortgage payment and paid for my Life Coach Certification schooling all within 2 weeks’ time. I was stupefied that this option was there the whole time right at my feet but I was so overwhelmed with mind chaos that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. 

So what do we do with all of the worry and past hurt? Well obviously we need to heal when we’ve been hurt and obviously we need to make good decisions to plan and hope for the future. The key is to have an outlet where we can unload. We need to express ourselves, unload hurt and fear; this has to happen as the load everyday of both becomes so heavy and burdensome to carry around. We need to manage when we unload, give ourselves time to obsess, feel and confront our hurt and fears.

Here are some ideas to manage Mind Chatter and become centered and present.

These will only work if you’re sure that you’re ready to move forward, a half ass effort here will give you half ass results. 

• ·        Set aside time to obsess and be inside of the chaos. Be disciplined about this if you decide that you’re going to work on healing and worry set a time and duration for this daily. Then when its time open the flood gates, worry and deal with your feelings for all of the allotted time. If it’s an hour then be as intense as possible with your feelings and thoughts for the whole hour and not one minute more.

• ·        Find an outlet to unload. Some folks talk to friends, others journal. But during your allotted time find an outlet to unload all feelings of pain and worry. Maybe you sit in a quiet place and write a letter (that you will not send) to a person that has hurt you describing what they did and how it made you feel. Maybe you write a letter to somebody that you have hurt and ask for forgiveness. Maybe you drive into a remote place and scream and yell. Whatever it is find an outlet to unload daily. You’ll be surprised how fast you become focused and heal. Soon you won’t have much to unload and the durations for unloading become shorter and shorter.

• ·        Take a vacation from your thoughts. Find an activity that forces you to be present for a substantial duration of time. Some use meditation in different forms, Yoga, Martial Arts etc. Look for an activity that forces you to concentrate, one that demands your full attention. I use fly fishing, this activity for me requires my full concentration and I find that hours go by with me not thinking about anything except for the task at hand. When I fly fish problems and mind chatter don’t exist. The key here is to take an emotional break that allows your mind to take a break. Try to do this at least once a week if not more.

• ·        Be engaged. Listen to people in conversation, don’t just hear them but really listen. Pay attention to details every moment. Become present and in the now. You’ll find you’re not scared or worried and not in pain when your present. You’ll realize in the moment you are okay. Emotional hurt and fear have no power over you when you’re fully present and engaged. This allows you to step out of the chaos and become an observer. Look at the issues of past hurt or worry from the outside looking in.

It’s not that we shouldn’t grieve or plan ahead, or feel what we feel. By all means I am encouraging you to feel as intensely as you possibly can. 

What I am hoping to communicate in this blog is that during times of great stress it’s so hard to function even at a basic level in our daily lives, work, family etc. I am confident that these tips will help to find a safety raft in the flood of emotional turmoil so that you can still be focused, engaged and attentive in all areas of life while giving yourself time to heal from hurt and deal with your fears.

 As always this is all very real to me as I spent 18 months of my life paralyzed by both hurt and fear. I know how to turn this around and I can help. 

Thanks for reading! Be good to yourself!

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The good the bad and the ugly!

The good, the bad and the ugly!   

 Pain and Pleasure, The keys to transformation and long term change.

Realizing why we make the decisions we make and how our feelings affect us is a very tricky thing. We wonder why we grieve relationships that were toxic. We wonder why we carry emotional scars for years sometimes after an event. We wonder why even when we make a change that’s best in the long run we sometimes hurt and catch ourselves looking back. We question if change is really what we want, if leaving the old situation, person, job or (whatever) in search of happiness and fulfillment is really what is going to make us happy.

Ultimately our nervous system and subconscious naturally gravitate away from pain, we make nuero-associations about what causes us pain and naturally we move away from those causes and seek things that make us feel good. We naturally move towards things, events, circumstances that bring us pleasure and give us a sense of happiness, excitement and bliss.

That sounds like its simple doesn’t it? Its sounds like the issue is black and white. Why we would anybody ever stay in that abusive relationship or at a job that pays horribly and is unsatisfying. Why would we choose to keep anything in our lives that brings pain?

We all set goals, we say “I’ve had enough of living this way; I need to make some changes”. We diet, join gyms, get out of toxic relationships, decide try harder in marriages and all with good intentions for lasting long-term change. A lot of times our will power falters and we fail only to return to the safe house of familiarity, the rut of un-satisfaction and un-fulfilled hopes and dreams.  

Why do we fail when we know the changes and adjustments we need to make will bring us closer to our best and most happy life? Why do we lose our drive and will to succeed.

In the midst of those transitions we sometimes associate more pain with the change than we did with the original circumstance that we wanted to transform and make better. We get to a point during the transition that the discomfort and unfamiliarity cause us to waver, where we miss the old way, we fear the unknown and we long for the very thing that we are trying to change.

Think of a smoker, there are a hundred billion reasons to quit smoking. Why would anybody (and yes I’ve been there) want to keep a habit that is linked to so many health risks and is a serious waste of money. If pain isn’t associated with keeping the habit and pleasure isn’t associated with a healthy smoke free life then success for a permanent change will be extremely difficult.

Think of any drastic change you made in your life, what was the motivation? Chances are you knew you “had” to get out of that abusive relationship, you knew you “had” to quit drinking. You knew you “had” to return to school so you could gain better employment and take care of your family. You in essence associated more pain to not making this change than staying in the same place. You visualized and linked pleasure to what it would be like to succeed and move forward. You linked pleasure to the long-term consequences of this change.

The problem with the quick fix..

At times we will do anything to feel better “right now”. This is one of the reasons that addiction is such a tough problem to overcome. The person struggling with addiction has a hard time linking “pain” to the addiction when it brings “pleasure” even if it is short lived. This person may link more “pleasure” to continuing in the addiction than “pain” even if the consequences are brutal.

When we link both “pain” and pleasure to a situation it’s very hard to make a commitment to change and transformation. Most of us have had a relationship that when it was good it was the best thing ever and when it was bad it was the worst. When it was good it was a perfect 10 and when it was bad it was a horrible 1 or a 2. The rollercoaster drove us crazy and made us miserable but we stayed for far too long. The problem there is we linked both pain and pleasure to the situation. We thought if only we didn’t fight about ________, then things would always be perfect. Some of us waited and waited. Then when we finally had enough and got the courage to make a change for our own survival, we stayed the course for a time only to return the first chance we got or we found a similar person and continued down the same path. This is because we have linked pleasure to the situation as well. 

The good news is we can reprogram our nuero-associations. We can do this through reflection and visualization. When making a lasting change we need to associate massive pleasure to making that change and massive pain to not making the change. We can unravel the ropes of nuero-association by changing our belief systems, perspectives and idealogy.

In times of struggle we have to find the reasons to feel happy about the changes were making. There are exercises and skills that we all could use to achieve this. I’ll be writing more about how to get out of these ruts in days and weeks ahead. I’ve been there and I know there is a way out. For more info. I’m always an email or a phone call away…….

Be good to yourself

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