Tuesday, December 16, 2014

3 Lies and I call Bologna!

 3 Lies and I call Bologna!

Being a Transitional Life Coach for a few years now I have coached my fair share of people going through break ups or working through issues in their Relationships. Ironically 3 themes which I call the “3 Lies” have made their way into multiple coaching sessions repeatedly. 

Let’s face it we have all had tumultuous times in our lives due to relationships and we all if were honest have struggled to make sense of the demise. We Google articles about breaking up, read blogs, find pretty pictures with quotes that validate our feelings and point of view but really until we look at the relationship with self we struggle to accept “what is” and move forward to “what could be”.

Lie #1 “I love you but I’m not in love with you”

I’m sure most of us have vomited these words a time or two in our lives. When I have a client tell me that they Love their significant other but are not in love with them my first questions is “What does that look like?” or “How is that working?” Bottom line..... Love is a verb, the butterflies and energy we feel upon falling for someone activates chemicals in our blood including adrenalin, dopamine and serotonin all of which give us a rush and energy like no other. But as we settle into our relationships and the newness wears the frequency of these feelings fade and without effort/ choosing to Love we are little more than an addict looking for that initial rush we experienced when the relationship was new. This isn’t love……. So when we’re breaking up with a significant other We should be Big Boys and Girls and take responsibility and be honest. The bottom line is “I’m sorry, though I have tremendous admiration and respect for you we are not a match and I don’t see a future for us.” Can we just leave the L word out of our break ups? 

Lie #2 “You complete me.”

Curse you Jerry Maguire!!!!! Really???? Are you really waiting for Jerry Maguire to come rescue and bring you to completeness? My job as a coach is to assist in building people that with or without Jerry Maguire are going places and relentlessly improving and gaining ground on their most precious dreams/goals. To me the most attractive thing is a woman  that has an amazing relationship with herself. She validates herself and completes herself. She is empowered and believes that regardless of what happens in life she will land on her feet. This goes both ways when two people are healthy emotionally and have a good sense of who they are they don’t “need romantic relationships instead they want romantic relationships. At this point again Love becomes a verb and a choice. Take responsibility for completing yourself! Then Jerry Maguire is simply frosting on the cake because you're already healthy and empowered within yourself!

Lie #3 “Time heals all wounds”

Cough!.... Bullshit! I’m sorry for this one because I know when we are wounded we need hope and  reassurance that somehow/someway things will be Okay. Reality is time doesn’t do a thing for healing. At best it helps us forget and de-intensify trauma. Again if we are waiting for time to come and rescue us (like Jerry Maguire) from traumatizing times we simply fool ourselves and waste energy that can be spent working our asses off and facing reality. During tough times our energy is better spent fighting to accept (not approve of) what has happened to us or around us. Take responsibility for facing tough times with a clear mind and honesty. This is truly the quickest way to heal. 

As always, My name is Ernie Garcia I am a Transitional Life Coach, I strategize with people that are relentlessly putting their lives back together with the purpose of emerging from a Life Change more empowered and stronger than ever!