Tuesday, December 16, 2014

3 Lies and I call Bologna!

 3 Lies and I call Bologna!

Being a Transitional Life Coach for a few years now I have coached my fair share of people going through break ups or working through issues in their Relationships. Ironically 3 themes which I call the “3 Lies” have made their way into multiple coaching sessions repeatedly. 

Let’s face it we have all had tumultuous times in our lives due to relationships and we all if were honest have struggled to make sense of the demise. We Google articles about breaking up, read blogs, find pretty pictures with quotes that validate our feelings and point of view but really until we look at the relationship with self we struggle to accept “what is” and move forward to “what could be”.

Lie #1 “I love you but I’m not in love with you”

I’m sure most of us have vomited these words a time or two in our lives. When I have a client tell me that they Love their significant other but are not in love with them my first questions is “What does that look like?” or “How is that working?” Bottom line..... Love is a verb, the butterflies and energy we feel upon falling for someone activates chemicals in our blood including adrenalin, dopamine and serotonin all of which give us a rush and energy like no other. But as we settle into our relationships and the newness wears the frequency of these feelings fade and without effort/ choosing to Love we are little more than an addict looking for that initial rush we experienced when the relationship was new. This isn’t love……. So when we’re breaking up with a significant other We should be Big Boys and Girls and take responsibility and be honest. The bottom line is “I’m sorry, though I have tremendous admiration and respect for you we are not a match and I don’t see a future for us.” Can we just leave the L word out of our break ups? 

Lie #2 “You complete me.”

Curse you Jerry Maguire!!!!! Really???? Are you really waiting for Jerry Maguire to come rescue and bring you to completeness? My job as a coach is to assist in building people that with or without Jerry Maguire are going places and relentlessly improving and gaining ground on their most precious dreams/goals. To me the most attractive thing is a woman  that has an amazing relationship with herself. She validates herself and completes herself. She is empowered and believes that regardless of what happens in life she will land on her feet. This goes both ways when two people are healthy emotionally and have a good sense of who they are they don’t “need romantic relationships instead they want romantic relationships. At this point again Love becomes a verb and a choice. Take responsibility for completing yourself! Then Jerry Maguire is simply frosting on the cake because you're already healthy and empowered within yourself!

Lie #3 “Time heals all wounds”

Cough!.... Bullshit! I’m sorry for this one because I know when we are wounded we need hope and  reassurance that somehow/someway things will be Okay. Reality is time doesn’t do a thing for healing. At best it helps us forget and de-intensify trauma. Again if we are waiting for time to come and rescue us (like Jerry Maguire) from traumatizing times we simply fool ourselves and waste energy that can be spent working our asses off and facing reality. During tough times our energy is better spent fighting to accept (not approve of) what has happened to us or around us. Take responsibility for facing tough times with a clear mind and honesty. This is truly the quickest way to heal. 

As always, My name is Ernie Garcia I am a Transitional Life Coach, I strategize with people that are relentlessly putting their lives back together with the purpose of emerging from a Life Change more empowered and stronger than ever!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I’ve got this……

As these summer months have come to a close I find myself feeling content and thankful. Content because I know what my personal masterpiece looks like and the legacy that I strive to leave behind when I’m gone. I know what model of a Father and though I’m not married currently I know what model of a husband I want to show to my children. Many years were spent randomly trying to find my way in life without really figuring out what I wanted or what I needed to be content and feel complete. It’s not that I have arrived because Lord knows I am a work in progress but I can’t emphasize enough the peace and clarity that comes with knowing where I want to go as I continue forward.

When many are transitioning from one story to another often there is an identity crisis that takes place. As an example- Kelly was a Regional Director for a marketing firm for many years, she was known and respected as a Leader and very staunch businesswomen that created new ways to turn over profits during the harsh recession over the past 7-8 years. She’s known by former employees as fair but firm, intelligent and bold. Kelly saved many jobs for her employees by creatively restructuring and diligently finding new ways to turn profits.
9 Months ago Kelly was experiencing emotional and physical fatigue and made a bold decision to leave her career. Realizing that by immersing herself in her career over the last ten years she really hadn’t given herself time to process and heal from a divorce and also the death of her Mother. Remarkably it took 8-10 years for everything to finally catch up.

During the first 45 days Kelly traveled and was able to rest both physically and emotionally but being the driven lady that she is after a brief reprieve she longed to be back in the mix, using her creativity and leadership skills. Knowing that the decision to leave her career was made to achieve different goals and “have a life outside her work”,  Kelly had become torn because she had put her heart and soul into her career. 

When I first met Kelly one of her first comments to me was “I don’t even know who I am at this point.” After 20 minutes of dialogue we discovered “She didn’t regret leaving her job but was struggling with her identity”. Her career met many of her basic needs. It gave her purpose, validation, accomplishment, focus, satisfaction and she used her role to serve many people as she made it personal when facing the challenge to keep employees working during a tough economy.

 For the next few months Kelly worked feverishly to rediscover herself, her passions and establish new goals that validated and brought satisfaction for her efforts. Presently Kelly is building her very own independent consulting firm that assists women business leaders with leadership and strategy. She sets her own schedule and has designed her business so that she can consult from anywhere that has cell phone coverage and internet service which has allowed her to continue traveling and pursuing other areas of interest.

For the rest of us I’m sure there has been a time that something changed that left us in similar place questioning identity, purpose and struggling to find certainty.

For over a year now my journey has led me full circle in many ways as I find myself participating in activities that I enjoyed in the past. I rediscovered serenity that I found years ago in fly fishing and elk hunting, the meaning I found reading and really shifting focus to what brings me peace, satisfaction and validation. This summer I reached a benchmark that I had set for myself. 

Though I haven’t been one to make many excuses I did justify certain circumstances based on some particular events that were out of my control. Last month while sitting in a gorgeous meadow in the middle of nowhere waiting for elk I had a moment of extreme clarity and realized it was time for a change in perspective. The words “It’s on me now” came to mind and I knew at that moment it was time to let go of the deepest and parts of the past that I still held onto. It took me returning to the things that I love to finally take the next step. 

When we find ourselves in transition whether it would be career change, relocation, break up or divorce one of the best things we can do to find ourselves once again is to return to the things we love, return to the friends we love, return to the places we love. Once we have a pretty good idea of who we are nobody else can ever define us by their words or actions. Rediscovering your “MOJO” is about knowing who you are, where you are going and how you’re going to get there.  

When rediscovering our MOJO (rediscovering ourselves) we need to ask questions that help us find and define who we are and where we are going in life.

What brings me peace and serenity?
What am I passionate about?
What is my purpose?
What are my greatest needs?
What are my greatest talents?
What brings me the greatest satisfaction and sense of accomplishment?
What kind of people do I want in my life?
Who can help?
Who am I? What makes me the person I am?
What does my masterpiece look like?

Lastly as we take responsibility for our own happiness and satisfaction we seek a life of wholeness within ourselves. No longer will we seek relationships, careers or material things in which to build our core foundations on instead we become whole, healthy and strong within ourselves realizing that we will have much more to give and we will rely less on the external for our core needs.

Yes you heard me right “It’s on me now”, and yes, “It’s on you also!”

My name is Ernie Garcia I am a Transition and Divorce Recovery Coach, I strategize with people that are relentlessly putting their lives back together with the purpose of emerging from a Life Change more empowered and stronger than ever!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

On to year #2.....

On to year #2.....

It’s hard to believe a year has gone since I announced via blog to friends that I was kicking off my own personal development company. I remember there being so many emotions and insecurities at the time because of what I had been through the previous year in my personal life. I am amazed how things change and how fast they change.

I have had the privilege to share what I learned with so many fantastic people over the last year. I struggled at the beginning thinking that I couldn’t possibly have the credibility to be a coach, writer or speaker. What I didn’t realize was how many people gave me credibility because of what I had experienced and conquered. Though I have much bigger plans and goals for I.S. and my coaching practice I can say I am happy with the progress in year Number 1.

Do Coaches perform weddings?
I have coached the heart broken, business owners, goal chasers, entrepreneurs, other coaches, and average Joe’s that just wanted to find purpose and live a more complete (Whole) life. I’ve been able to share philosophies and life lessons with thousands of people across the planet via blogs and videos. It’s been amazing to see the clients recover from heartbreak, reorganize businesses, move forward after loss and generally move closer to their ideal lives. 

I am truly humbled to have been a part of these victories.
For those who know me and even those who don’t but have read the various blogs and posts all over the internet you know the steps and challenges that took me from depressed and hopeless to a better place filled with hope,  determination and some of my happiest moments ever.

 I am a blessed man because of the people that invested their time and energy into helping me to get in position to chase my dreams. 

A New Look!
I shared with a young lady recently my story for the sole purpose of pointing out how fast things change and get better if we want it bad enough. We have more control than we think when we simply chose what to spend our energy on. What to spend time thinking about and simply by shifting focus to ideas that set us up to win and gain ground on our goals and dreams. Choice is powerful when we take responsibility for own happiness. Choice is powerful when we take responsibility for achieving our goals and dreams.

I am very excited for this next year and the Vision/Goals for Infinite Strides. Buckle up and be ready for blogs and video blogs that will shake up and challenge you.

Coming soon “Ok, What now? (A Practical Guide to Acceptance and Moving Forward)
 My ebook and workbook that promises to kick the crap out of divorce and break up blues.
Stay tuned……..


Thursday, March 21, 2013

De-clutter your mind…..De-clutter your life. Are you an emotional hoarder?

De-clutter your mind…..De-clutter your life. Are you an emotional hoarder?

When I think of a Hoarder I envision a person that is constantly bringing things into their home. I visualize this person literally filling up their space. Almost like the series “Hoarders” they just keep collecting everything in sight. There isn’t space left in closets, basements, counter tops and now the living space is filling up as well to the point that it isn’t easy to navigate through the once cozy home any longer. Though I’ve never been a hoarder the top of my dresser often is used to store change, receipts, books, ball caps taking up space and ruining the visual of a beautiful dresser. Seriously why keep convenience store receipts? So important at the time and finally after a month or so I’ll end up throwing them away without even looking at them again.

Compulsive hoarding (or pathological collecting) is a pattern of behavior that is characterized by the excessive acquisition of and inability or unwillingness to discard large quantities of objects that cover the living areas of the home and cause significant distress or impairment. 

I’ve played with the idea over the last couple of months that physically, emotionally and intellectually we only have so much to give before we are bankrupt. Think about it when we have too many oars in the water emotionally and we find ourselves upset, worried, concerned, aggravated or frustrated about everything we can collect, in essence become emotional hoarders. It’s easy to develop patterns of taking on problems or becoming attached to issues that we have no room for. The hoarder sees objects in their daily routine that they feel are needed, hate to see disposed of or that they feel will be used someday. Emotional hoarders take possession of thoughts or ideas that often don’t support the true or better sense of self and often refuse to let go of the self-sabotaging belief systems. If we truly have an emotional bank account often the emotional funds are spent to pay off past emotional debt.

In addition the emotional hoarder has become addicted to obsessing about and processing painful thoughts, as messy as the mind has become some now find comfort in the chaos and turmoil of the emotional clutter stored. This again is because the emotional turmoil has become comfortable and the mind now believes this is solid ground and certain. As odd as it sounds the emotional hoarder will find issues to obsess over and find a false sense of comfort. The mind is looking for a way to prevent pain or trouble and often will process every possibility of past and future events. If that isn’t enough the emotional hoarder will take on another person’s issues or even find a reason to obsess over issues they see on TV or maybe hear when standing in line eaves dropping in the grocery store.
I remember watching Hoarders on television and seeing an older lady that slept on the floor surrounded by mountains of trash bags in her own home. Emotional hoarders begin to find a false sense of comfort and rest in mountains of emotional baggage and clutter that they are unwilling to let go of. 

To operate at our best and reach further our minds need room to brainstorm and discover possibilities. A clear mind sees the world differently than one full of the clutter the hoarder has accumulated. We often are surprised that an obvious idea or solution just falls out of the sky when in reality we haven’t been focused in a way that lends itself to goal setting or problem solving. Some forms of emotional clutter include;

Self-Limiting Beliefs- These beliefs keep the dreamer from moving forward. Some always have a reason why “they can’t”. You’re right if that’s where you chose to focus than you’re right “You can’t”. Focus can be shifted to possibilities and often with the right setting and dialogue you’ll see options and possibilities that you’ve never considered. This is whyCoaching works.

Worry- Usually tied to a future or unknown event. We tend to awfulize so we aren’t “blindsided”. Problem with this is we really don’t gain anything by worrying. For instance, My Cell Phone bill is due next Monday and I am strapped for cash after a recent trip to Tijuana. Does obsessing and worrying about how I’m going to pay the bill magically deposit funds into my account? Uh…No.
Regret-usually tied to a past event, these thoughts don’t pay the bills because more often than not the circumstance can’t be changed. Take the lesson learned and let it go.

Self-Sabotaging Beliefs- The belief that says “Don’t even try it, everything you touch turns to shit!”. Sure we’ve all had some failures and victories. There is no rule written in stone that says you’re doomed to fail. Take you’re unique strengths and gifts, ask for help in your weak areas and chase your dreams be relentless, change strategies if you stall but keep going.

Distrust- I hear this a lot, “My relationship would be better if I could trust my partner”. Often the issue is we don’t trust ourselves enough to know that no matter what life brings we will survive and we will bounce back every time we get knocked down. Without this core belief in oneself we often put too much pressure on other people who again we can’t control. 

A few ideas to de-clutter the mind of emotional accumulation.

  • ·        Make a list of negative thoughts that impact you. This is the only time I will encourage a negative list. If there is something that somebody said or did in your past evaluate the event and next to that thought list any benefit of engaging that thought any further. I’m not saying you have to like any comment or event what I am suggesting is observing the thought, emotion or belief system determining if there is any benefit of holding on to it any longer. By being an observer you step out of the emotion and take on the role of an observer to determine what benefit there is. Seeing the clutter from an observing perspective can help sort out what is worth keeping. Let go of the emotional weight that that doesn’t serve the person or the life that you are creating.

  • ·        Make a list of core beliefs that empower you, this list should include thoughts and beliefs that do indeed serve you and are not a waste of emotional energy. These are the beliefs about where you’re going in life, who you really are and what you value most. My clients and I spend a lot of time in this department because it gives a clear target to shoot for. “Live as if”

  • ·        Become an emotional minimalist, as crazy as that sounds to make room for creativity and to live the most vibrant we don’t want to find ourselves bogged down with any extra weight emotionally. To be the most successful and operate at a high level in all areas of our lives we need to be in the “Zone”. The Zone consists of total engagement and presence in the moment. This focus brings out the best decisions and ideas for your most empowered life.

  • ·        Lastly as we have built habits of obsessing and getting “stuck” in these emotional ruts, we have built some thought patterns that bring our focus to the problem or challenge repeatedly. Our energy is spent on clutter that really doesn’t serve any purpose except to take up space. We rehash the event or circumstance as it steals all vibrancy and energy we possess. In order to break free from this pattern we need to “detach”. We can do this while still loving those who have hurt us.  We acknowledge that we have no control over anything except for ourselves and we chose to take control of our lives once again. Yes we let go and affect our world from the inside out.

In closing we all possess the best ideas and solutions for our own personal challenges. Anything that we are successful with  in our lives took consistency to master. As your Coach our relationship will revolve around finding the best ideas and solutions then building a consistent road map to achieve the goals and dreams you have for your masterpiece. Dream big and demand more of yourself. De-clutter your mind and life to make room for the very best and most empowered life yet!

Be good to yourself,