The good the bad and the ugly!

The good, the bad and the ugly!   

 Pain and Pleasure, The keys to transformation and long term change.

Realizing why we make the decisions we make and how our feelings affect us is a very tricky thing. We wonder why we grieve relationships that were toxic. We wonder why we carry emotional scars for years sometimes after an event. We wonder why even when we make a change that’s best in the long run we sometimes hurt and catch ourselves looking back. We question if change is really what we want, if leaving the old situation, person, job or (whatever) in search of happiness and fulfillment is really what is going to make us happy.

Ultimately our nervous system and subconscious naturally gravitate away from pain, we make nuero-associations about what causes us pain and naturally we move away from those causes and seek things that make us feel good. We naturally move towards things, events, circumstances that bring us pleasure and give us a sense of happiness, excitement and bliss.

That sounds like its simple doesn’t it? Its sounds like the issue is black and white. Why we would anybody ever stay in that abusive relationship or at a job that pays horribly and is unsatisfying. Why would we choose to keep anything in our lives that brings pain?

We all set goals, we say “I’ve had enough of living this way; I need to make some changes”. We diet, join gyms, get out of toxic relationships, decide try harder in marriages and all with good intentions for lasting long-term change. A lot of times our will power falters and we fail only to return to the safe house of familiarity, the rut of un-satisfaction and un-fulfilled hopes and dreams.  

Why do we fail when we know the changes and adjustments we need to make will bring us closer to our best and most happy life? Why do we lose our drive and will to succeed.

In the midst of those transitions we sometimes associate more pain with the change than we did with the original circumstance that we wanted to transform and make better. We get to a point during the transition that the discomfort and unfamiliarity cause us to waver, where we miss the old way, we fear the unknown and we long for the very thing that we are trying to change.

Think of a smoker, there are a hundred billion reasons to quit smoking. Why would anybody (and yes I’ve been there) want to keep a habit that is linked to so many health risks and is a serious waste of money. If pain isn’t associated with keeping the habit and pleasure isn’t associated with a healthy smoke free life then success for a permanent change will be extremely difficult.

Think of any drastic change you made in your life, what was the motivation? Chances are you knew you “had” to get out of that abusive relationship, you knew you “had” to quit drinking. You knew you “had” to return to school so you could gain better employment and take care of your family. You in essence associated more pain to not making this change than staying in the same place. You visualized and linked pleasure to what it would be like to succeed and move forward. You linked pleasure to the long-term consequences of this change.

The problem with the quick fix..

At times we will do anything to feel better “right now”. This is one of the reasons that addiction is such a tough problem to overcome. The person struggling with addiction has a hard time linking “pain” to the addiction when it brings “pleasure” even if it is short lived. This person may link more “pleasure” to continuing in the addiction than “pain” even if the consequences are brutal.

When we link both “pain” and pleasure to a situation it’s very hard to make a commitment to change and transformation. Most of us have had a relationship that when it was good it was the best thing ever and when it was bad it was the worst. When it was good it was a perfect 10 and when it was bad it was a horrible 1 or a 2. The rollercoaster drove us crazy and made us miserable but we stayed for far too long. The problem there is we linked both pain and pleasure to the situation. We thought if only we didn’t fight about ________, then things would always be perfect. Some of us waited and waited. Then when we finally had enough and got the courage to make a change for our own survival, we stayed the course for a time only to return the first chance we got or we found a similar person and continued down the same path. This is because we have linked pleasure to the situation as well. 

The good news is we can reprogram our nuero-associations. We can do this through reflection and visualization. When making a lasting change we need to associate massive pleasure to making that change and massive pain to not making the change. We can unravel the ropes of nuero-association by changing our belief systems, perspectives and idealogy.

In times of struggle we have to find the reasons to feel happy about the changes were making. There are exercises and skills that we all could use to achieve this. I’ll be writing more about how to get out of these ruts in days and weeks ahead. I’ve been there and I know there is a way out. For more info. I’m always an email or a phone call away…….

Be good to yourself

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Dealing with "Change".

Change is a funny thing, its necessary, unavoidable, can’t be controlled and ironically its one “constant” we can rely on. Many of us avoid change in certain situations because we are reluctant to accept “the unknown”. Even in the crappiest of situations we sometimes refuse to leave the box of our limited beliefs because we find comfort in familiarity, even if its turmoil, we still make choices to stay in certain places because at least we know what to expect. Some of us stay in relationships, jobs and even moods that don’t suit us because of the fear of unfamiliarity. Some of us get stuck in circumstances because we are afraid to accept that we have hit a wall and need to adjust the route from point A to point B.

I am in no way saying that we should be creatures of un-commitment or that we should give up every time that something doesn’t work for us. What I am suggesting is “nothing changes if nothing changes”. We can’t expect different results without tweaking our plans if we are not progressing. Relationships end, jobs end, seasons end, lives end and though it seems like we should be able to count on something to anchor us; really one of the only things we can count on to stay constant is that fact that nothing in our lives can be controlled but ourselves and our decisions.

Sometimes change slaps us in the face unexpectedly and often we are sent into a tailspin desperately looking for something to hold onto to regain our sense of direction. Life undoubtedly deals us blows that come at inopportune times. Its never the challenge or the circumstances that define us, its simply our reaction to the adversity that these blows bring.

Here are some tips (in no particular order) for dealing with change.

Find the silver lining, there is a gift in everything. Yes even in loss. I once met a man that had lost his wife and daughter in a car accident. This man not long after was healthy, wise and had one of the most infectious personalities that I had ever seen. His take was that instead of dwelling on the time he was robbed of with his wife and daughter, he was thankful for the time he spent and the wonderful memories he had. That’s not to say he didn’t miss them intensely but instead of being overwhelmed in his grief he found a new perspective that helped him to endure his grief and keep moving forward. He found the outlook and perspective that suited him best.

Accept the circumstance. It’s healthy to mourn and grieve, we all must be allowed to feel what we feel but there will come a time when you’re ready to move forward or when you know you have to move forward. One of the most paralyzing and debilitating things we can do to ourselves is refuse to accept when change brings uncertainty or discomfort. It’s natural to be shocked, caught off guard and even grieve when change brings loss but in order to move forward we must accept. Acceptance brings freedom and is a huge step forward in conquering our fears of the unknown.

Decide. The most powerful thing we have going for us is decision. We can decide what is best for us, the steps to get there, what options we have, what actions suit us best and how fast we are going to get from point A to point B. When the gift or sliver lining has been found and acceptance has happened, the next step is to decide what your next move is. Decide what the perfect outcome would be. It might be a better relationship, a better friendship, a better job, a brand new journey like returning to school. During this transformation and new beginning why not shoot for the stars? Make good decisions that will produce the results that you are looking for. In order to do this we need to quiet our minds from all of the voice chatter. At this point the past is gone and nothing can be changed back there. We can set the stage for tomorrow and the days ahead but in reality all we have is the present. Find whatever it takes to quiet your mind. Meditation, exercise, whatever it is and protect your “presence” and your center. You need to be centered and fully present to make the best and most powerful decisions during this pivotal time. Think about it, when were preoccupied and overwhelmed we often overlook the obvious. 

Embrace change. Change is inevitable just like pain but suffering is optional. If you look back through your life and reflect on the changes that you have been through both positive and negative, I think you will see that you have always figured out a way to weave through and move on. Some changes and circumstances were dealt with quickly and less painful than others. This is a time for growth and a new journey. A new chance to experience new things, new people, new ideas and to learn more about ourselves. I think you will find the quicker you can embrace change the quicker change won’t seem as scary. It’s crucial that we find reasons to embrace change instead of reasons to dread and fear change.

Remember you are strong, creative and have something to give to this world. Regardless of the situation don’t be too hard on yourself, love yourself and give yourself a break. Surround yourself with positive people and find the answers you need to grow and move forward. The answers are out there and sometimes we already know what they are.

Be good to yourself!

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Here's the deal......

So here’s the deal. Last November I found myself at what may have been the lowest point of my entire life. I was being deeply affected by a problem that somebody I cared deeply for had going on in their life. I wasn’t satisfied with where I was in my own life and I felt like everything at the time was out of control (which ultimately is a mirage anyway). My most important relationship at the time was in great danger, I had lost interest in one of my passions (music with my band) and I seriously was going into some deep “fight or flight “mode.

I had considered therapy but I knew “for me” that I was so tired of talking about the past and rehashing things that could not be changed or controlled. I needed to find some peace, emotional peace, spiritual peace and be physically rejuvenated. So I did what a lot of us do when we have issues we want to change or learn about, I turned to our friend “Google”.

At this point I was introduced to the term “Life Coaching”. I liked this concept because it focused on “forward thinking”, developing plans for the goals I had and having a coach to help me get to where I wanted to go in “my life”. I met an incredible man here in Pueblo Co. (message me for info) that seriously helped me to change the way I was thinking and processing any challenge or issue that not only was going on at the time but also challenges that were to come in the months ahead.

One of the things that bothered me the most was although I was grateful for the career I had/have in construction there still was a huge void that I had tried to fill with so many other things, similar to forcing the wrong puzzle piece into a space. I thought back to when in my life I had felt fulfilled and the most satisfied. I realized it was when I was in the ministry. I knew it wasn’t because of my beliefs or my faith so much but because I loved to help people and serve. I loved to listen to people and watch them discover solutions and realize goals that were best for them.

Last April some of the challenges were still there because I had allowed them to be, I hadn’t fully committed to taking control of myself and my own life up to that point. I soon realized what was missing, it was “purpose”. I knew if I didn’t determine what my purpose in life was I would never be able to fill the void that I had felt. I knew deep down what this purpose was, it was clear.

I realized that having a “Coach” in my life was one of the biggest turning points in my existence. I knew I loved serving and helping others and a plan and dream was born. 

So I made a bold move with not a lot of extra cash on hand and I purchased a “Life Coach Training Course” from a credible coach training organization and I decided that even if it never becomes a full time career I needed to do this not only for myself but also for others that are stuck in a rut of unfulfilled plans and dreams just as I was.

Saying all of that to say this, Coaching is not about the coach but about the coachee, meaning that even though coaches (especially this one) have had their share of mistakes and or challenges in their own lives, the coachee will determine what changes and goals there are to make their lives the best they can be. You know what you want and ultimately you know how to get there. My job is to through powerful dialogue help you to determine how to get around the roadblocks that prevent us all from getting to our “best life”. 

I don’t have all of the answers, not even close. But you do if you really think about it, you already know what you want and what it will take to get there. So let’s collaborate and put together a plan to get you on your way. Remember it’s my job to work my way out of a job with clients!

Thanks for reading!

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Loving somebody with a life controlling or self destructive problem.

When we hear the term codependency we often think of a weak person who doesn't have the strength to live their life alone and function in a happy or content mode. We think of a person who is not independent. Little do we realize that a vast number of people find themselves caring for a person who is involved with some sort of self destructive behavior. Some examples are addiction, cutting, anorexia, binge eating or self sabotage.

Unfortunately most of us find ourselves at one time or another caring deeply for a person with a self destructive pattern. If we are not careful we can enter the dark world of obsession and codependency as our love and care are misplaced into a mode of attempting to solve the other persons problems for them. By "enabling" we rob them of the lesson of consequence and often the only chance they have to grow and overcome the destructive stronghold in their own lives.

Here are some suggestions when dealing with a self destructive person that you truly love and care for deeply.

1. Detach, we must learn to enjoy life and not take on or be overwhelmed, over powered or become obsessed with the destructive life controlling patterns of our loved ones. This sound easier than it is to out into practice. If don't learn to detach from the problems of others then we too become controlled by the self destructive behavior. We can care and love deeply but we can not allow ourselves to become addicted to the pain that our loved ones self destructive behavior causes.

In spite of the problems of our loved one we must continue to enjoy our lives, stay centered, present and let go. By letting go I mean that we must let all of the consequences of self destructive behavior take their course without intervening or we become enablers. We rob the people we care about most of the catalyst for change when we don't allow them to face the consequences of their self destructive actions.

2.  Love yourself, you are stronger than you know. Life is precious and painfully short. commit to helping others in some way, whether it is getting involved in a support group or volunteering. At times we internalize the self destructive behavior as something we have done or contributed to.

In reality  nobody is forcing your loved one to continue whatever behavior they are exhibiting. More than likely it is a vehicle to temporarily mask a deeper pain within themselves. Until they hit a point whether its rock bottom or some other point, change will not come until the loved one is truly tired or sick and tired of the destruction they have caused themselves. Until your loved one gets to this point (or doesn't) its crucial that you don't lose your own life and self esteem to their self destructive behaviors.

3. Take control of your own life. Yes you can do this! Make decisions that are good for your own well being. Become your own best friend. Do whatever it takes to protect your focus and center. When you find peace in your day protect it. This doesn't mean you have to quit loving or caring for this person. It means your going to do whatever it takes to find joy and happiness in your own life first. It means that serenity is valued and your willing to be strong enough to want and stay in happiness and peace. It is only when you operate from your center and focus that you can truly offer support and help to your self destructive loved one.

Remember the most powerful thing we have is our ability to make decisions, we can chose to be beat down and trampled on emotionally or physically or we can chose to rise above for our own sanity. Nothing can stop us when we focus all of our strength on the changes we want to make in our own personal lives.

Love yourself.

Reactions define our circumstances.

In a knee jerk reaction often our first instinct is to retaliate or dwell on circumstances. Whether somebody has been unfair or hurt our feelings it is important to protect our focus at all times. We can evaluate what role we have played in the situation and once we have done so its crucial that we make the most positive and productive reaction possible. This Decision will allow us to protect our focus, staying centered during our everyday lives is what we need to operate at our optimum. Our focus or "Center" helps us to make the best decisions is where our peace of mind lies.

When we react negatively we often make situations worse. Not all arguments are worth the energy and time away from being centered and focused. The longer we spend replaying events or situations that we ultimately have no control over is time that we function out of harmony with ourselves and at a level that is sub par at best.

Its imperative that we not let every little thing cling on and hold on through out our day. Some things just arent worth it. Especially events or circumstances that we have no control over.

Be honest with yourself during those moments, we all find ourselves in these situations.

1. Is it pride or ego that drives us? Is my pride going to dictate my reaction?

2. How can I take the high road which allows me to stay free from the control of unecessary turmoil?

3. What is my role? What control do I have over this situation to improve it?

4. Just walk. Sometimes the event isn't worth another second of disharmony with ourselves.

Always remember that our reaction during tumultuous times define our future happiness and contentment. Begin your reaction with the end in mind.

 Have you ever felt that if certain things in your life changed "then" you could achieve your own goals and dreams? Have you ever thought that if people in your life changed "then" you could have better relationships and be happier?

I have had some very important goals, dreams and plans for some time. I have asked myself what my purpose is in this world for quite sometime. At times of clarity I feel I have seen what I am supposed to be doing to give back to the universe we live in.

I refuse any longer to wait "for the right" time. For far too long I have thought that if certain situations, or people in my life were different then I could get on with the dreams and goals for my life. I have no control over that but I do have control over my life and what needs to take place for the life that I want.