I wrote part III to this blog and rewrote it a few different times. My goal is for it to be helpful, inspiring and motivating but at the same time practical. In the end recovering from a break up or the end of any relationship is truly up to the commitment and determination of the individual that's looking to move forward after a crisis change has transpired. What I mean by a crisis change is one that has left a person in a terrible identity crisis, one that is brought uncertainty and shook the life of the individual to the core of their being. As stated in the previous blogs when a serious relationship (one where we are deeply emotionally invested) comes to an end it often can leave both partners in a serious state of uncertainty as its marks the end of plans, goals and dreams that you as a couple shared The relationship with all that it was not only defined you as a couple but also as individuals.
The single most empowering event is often the realization that this is a chance to improve yourself, improve your life and make new plans and goals. You “can” sit for years and reflect on the past and the woulda/shoulda scenarios. You can stay angry, you can place blame but ultimately the most powerful thing you can do is change your perspective to one that seizes this opportunity for massive and drastic improvement. This is yet another opportunity to get to know yourself and decide what exactly you desire in every area of your life. If you hate uncertainty like most of us do then this is a time to pull out your secret weapon. Your secret weapon is you’re creativity and ability to dream. The time spent dwelling on what caused the end of the relationship isn’t a very good investment because nothing will give the opportunity to do anything different with past events. In relationships we are only in control of ourselves and our role. By embracing this fact you will be able to take control of your life and your future.
Most won’t define what exactly they want, in my coaching practice I’m amazed at times by the reluctance to write out a “Life Plan” as ideas aren’t plans. Time spent trying hit a moving target floating around in your thoughts isn’t very efficient or economical with your emotions or time. Really you want to feel better about life and fast, Right? This only happens with “action”. But without a plan where do you focus your action? The time spent staring at the wall reflecting back isn’t time very well spent if you want to take control of your life and feel better anytime soon.
The faster you can accept the end and come to terms with the fact that your life will never be the same again the sooner your efforts to move forward will become more effective. Yes in most of these situations we are left with a certain amount of hurt and resentment. Some might be saying right now, Ernie you don’t understand, this person was everything to me, we had so many plans, and nobody understood me like this person. I do understand, I understand that your frequencies and vibrations were the same for a time and somewhere along the way that all changed getting you to this point. I understand that YOUR WORLD HAS BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. I understand that feeling like this is emotionally draining and nobody likes feeling like this a minute more than they have to.
The good news is by dedicating your time and making a commitment to yourself you can become stronger and happier than ever before. Perspective and decision are so powerful and by changing perspective we can effectively view this horrible loss as an opportunity. But opportunity is worthless without defining what you want. Defining what you want is worthless without action and action is worthless without consistency and commitment. You see nobody can stop you now; the only way you will fail is if you give up and decide to take the path of least resistance..
· Acceptance- You don’t have to like it or agree with it but refusing to accept the circumstances that led to this change in your life will hold you back and keep you from moving forward or finding long term happiness more than anything else. Embrace the change, as crazy as it sounds change is happening might as well steer the ship.
· Perspective- A shift in perspective will help how you view this change in a way that serves you and your happiness best. Instead of focusing on all that was lost spend time focusing on what you still have. View this change as an opportunity to emerge stronger, happier and more empowered than ever. You’re going to be even sexier and more attractive when the time comes to give somebody else your heart. You’re going to know without a doubt that you can be happy and strong as an individual and your ability to be either of those two things doesn’t depend on anything external such as a relationship. In reality your sense of self is tremendously affected by what you believe about yourself. The trick to adjusting your perspective about the change you’ve experienced is to find reasons to feel good about yourself. Make changes that you feel good about. As time goes by you will learn to trust that no matter what happens or what anybody else says or does YOU will be able to figure out what is next, you always find a way, you always survive, you always land on your feet. This concept is liberating because you trust and believe in yourself.
· Action- In theory all of this is good stuff but like I tell my coaching clients “you have to do the work”. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Time will dull the discomfort but really how much control of your life do you have if you’re just waiting for time to heal all wounds or waiting for time to improve your life? Take action; rid yourself of any thought, person or thing that doesn’t serve your sense of self. This sounds selfish and it is because I am asking you to take care of you, love yourself, build yourself up and take massive action to put the past behind and create a better more fulfilling reality.
To conclude the choice is yours to suffer until the pain dulls itself away or use this experience as a milestone and turning point to emerge the most empowered and best you. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Turn every “why I can’t” into “why I can” statements and then “what can I do today” to get closer to your dream life. I’d bet somewhere along the way somebody or something new will join you on this new journey.
My name is Ernie Garcia, I am a Professional DivorceRecovery and Transition Coach. I help people find a firm footing and discover a new path after divorce or a life changing event by focusing on the present and the future.
Be good to yourself!