I wrote part III to this blog and rewrote it a few
different times. My goal is for it to be helpful, inspiring and motivating but
at the same time practical. In the end recovering from a break up or the end of
any relationship is truly up to the commitment and determination of the
individual that's looking to move forward after a crisis change has transpired.
What I mean by a crisis change is one that has left a person in a terrible
identity crisis, one that is brought uncertainty and shook the life of the individual
to the core of their being. As stated in the previous blogs when a serious
relationship (one where we are deeply emotionally invested) comes to an end it
often can leave both partners in a serious state of uncertainty as its marks
the end of plans, goals and dreams that you as a couple shared The relationship
with all that it was not only defined you as a couple but also as individuals.
The single most
empowering event is often the realization that this is a chance to improve yourself,
improve your life and make new plans and goals. You “can” sit for years and
reflect on the past and the woulda/shoulda scenarios. You can stay angry, you
can place blame but ultimately the most powerful thing you can do is change
your perspective to one that seizes this opportunity for massive and drastic
improvement. This is yet another opportunity
to get to know yourself and decide what exactly you desire in every area of
your life. If you hate uncertainty like most of us do then this is a time to pull
out your secret weapon. Your secret weapon is you’re creativity and ability to
dream. The time spent dwelling on what caused the end of the relationship isn’t
a very good investment because nothing will give the opportunity to do anything
different with past events. In relationships we are only in control of ourselves
and our role. By embracing this fact you
will be able to take control of your life and your future.
Most won’t define what exactly they want, in my coaching
practice I’m amazed at times by the reluctance to write out a “Life Plan” as ideas
aren’t plans. Time spent trying hit a moving target floating around in your
thoughts isn’t very efficient or economical with your emotions or time. Really
you want to feel better about life and fast, Right? This only happens with “action”.
But without a plan where do you focus your action? The time spent staring at
the wall reflecting back isn’t time very well spent if you want to take control
of your life and feel better anytime soon.
The faster you can accept the end and come to terms with
the fact that your life will never be the same again the sooner your efforts to
move forward will become more effective. Yes in most of these situations we are
left with a certain amount of hurt and resentment. Some might be saying right
now, Ernie you don’t understand, this person was everything to me, we had so
many plans, and nobody understood me like this person. I do understand, I
understand that your frequencies and vibrations were the same for a time and somewhere
along the way that all changed getting you to this point. I understand that YOUR
WORLD HAS BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. I understand that feeling like this is
emotionally draining and nobody likes feeling like this a minute more than they
have to.
The good news is by dedicating your time and making a
commitment to yourself you can become stronger and happier than ever before. Perspective
and decision are so powerful and by changing perspective we can effectively
view this horrible loss as an opportunity. But opportunity is worthless without
defining what you want. Defining what you want is worthless without action and
action is worthless without consistency and commitment. You see nobody can stop
you now; the only way you will fail is if you give up and decide to take the path of least resistance..
·
Acceptance- You don’t have to like it or agree
with it but refusing to accept the circumstances that led to this change in
your life will hold you back and keep you from moving forward or finding long term
happiness more than anything else. Embrace the change, as crazy as it sounds
change is happening might as well steer the ship.
·
Perspective- A shift in perspective will help
how you view this change in a way that serves you and your happiness best.
Instead of focusing on all that was lost spend time focusing on what you still
have. View this change as an opportunity
to emerge stronger, happier and more empowered than ever. You’re going to be
even sexier and more attractive when the time comes to give somebody else your
heart. You’re going to know without a doubt that you can be happy and strong as
an individual and your ability to be either of those two things doesn’t depend
on anything external such as a relationship. In reality your sense of self is
tremendously affected by what you believe about yourself. The trick to
adjusting your perspective about the change you’ve experienced is to find
reasons to feel good about yourself. Make changes that you feel good about. As
time goes by you will learn to trust that no matter what happens or what
anybody else says or does YOU will be able to figure out what is next, you always
find a way, you always survive, you always land on your feet. This concept is
liberating because you trust and believe in yourself.
·
Action- In theory all of this is good stuff but
like I tell my coaching clients “you have to do the work”. Nobody else is going
to do it for you. Time will dull the discomfort but really how much control of
your life do you have if you’re just waiting for time to heal all wounds or
waiting for time to improve your life? Take action; rid yourself of any thought,
person or thing that doesn’t serve your sense of self. This sounds selfish and
it is because I am asking you to take care of you, love yourself, build
yourself up and take massive action to put the past behind and create a better
more fulfilling reality.
To conclude the choice is yours to suffer until the pain
dulls itself away or use this experience as a milestone and turning point to
emerge the most empowered and best you. Pain is inevitable but suffering is
optional. Turn every “why I can’t” into “why I can” statements and then “what
can I do today” to get closer to your dream life. I’d bet somewhere along the
way somebody or something new will join you on this new journey.
My name is Ernie Garcia, I am a Professional DivorceRecovery and Transition Coach. I help people find a firm footing and discover a
new path after divorce or a life changing event by focusing on the present and
the future.
Be good to yourself!
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