Monday, January 7, 2013

Surviving the end of a relationship.

Surviving the end of a relationship. 

Part 1 An Overview

 Before publishing this blog I decided to add this paragraph at the beginning. For those who have experienced a difficult break-up, separation or divorce recently I want you to know one thing at this moment. My message to you is simply; "This isn't the end of your story". You can get up and get back on your feet you will smile inside again. My job as a transition and divorce coach is to help  develop the best strategy for you going forward. Ive been through this (more than once) and have discovered some helpful insights to stay focused while healing and deciding what the next move is.Not only will you survive but you will thrive once again!

Break ups often mark the end of something even bigger than the relationship itself. The break up often marks the end of a dream and the strong visualization of a shared happiness with the person that we have trusted with our most sacred vulnerabilities. When we let somebody “in” they become a part of us; the synergy and shared happiness is addicting and while it lasts creates bliss. Some have said there is no better feeling than being in love. I’ve been there, heck we’ve all been there and most of us have also experienced the sudden end to a romantic relationship that was very important to us.

I heard it put this way before with the illustration of two spiders intertwining their webs together for a period of time and then when the relationship ends the two spiders rip apart the web structure while retreating. These webs could be a number of things including emotions, trust, vulnerability, hope, dreams and a very deep respect. A new identity was cultivated during the relationship for both partners involved. The relationship started with both partners having their own unique qualities and personalities then the relationship was born the relationship took on a life and identity of its own. For some the identity of the relationship overtook the unique identity of one or both of the parties involved. Often when relationships end one or both people involved find themselves going through an identity crisis.

Whatever the reason for the demise they find themselves in whirlwind of emotion often feeling as though their whole entire world has been turned upside down. Whether it’s the person bringing the end of the relationship or the person left behind, the end of the relationship marks the death of something that once had an identity and a life of its own. The termination of the relationship marks the death of everything that at one time had made the relationship great. With loss comes grief and all of its phases. For some the grief is overwhelming and cannot be managed the same as it can be for others. 

One of the most challenging issues that people face is uncertainty; relationships obviously end for a variety of reasons but being the creatures of habit that we all are most of us have a difficult time with uncertainty. The very thought of having to pick up the pieces and start over is one that is met with dread and despair. For that reason a lot of times we stay in relationships that no longer serve our best interests. We stay plugged in and make renewed efforts to stay in the familiar. Our brains are wired in such a way that they look for the fastest solution to escape the emotional turmoil that has spawned due to sudden end of the familiar. 

Most if not all of us have been on both sides of ending a romantic relationship. The sudden change and repercussions vary and are mostly determined by several dynamics unique to every relationship including the emotional investment of each person, the duration, the health of the relationship and the level of commitment. Obviously there are many other factors and every relationship and the people involved are very unique. 

One thing for sure is that regardless of the relationship and circumstances it is difficult to move forward after our hearts have been broken. Some of us have found ourselves in a place where it’s very difficult to even consider picking up the pieces and moving forward. The devastation of the loss experienced can often leave one or both participants paralyzed. In part 2 of this blog series we will begin looking at ways to start feeling better and moving forward creating a new story and a new life. It’s not enough just to survive a break-up I believe to survive is just one step but ultimately I believe we need to thrive and this transition like many is a chance to write a new story, take the lessons and experiences good/ bad and use them to grow and improve. 

The period immediately after the demise is sometimes described as the neutral zone where we process, grieve and begin to heal. In Part 2 I will write about the neutral zone. Remember happiness is a choice and decision is powerful, I am a rut destroyer, if you’re stuck and need support moving forward don’t hesitate to contact me right away. The first 45 minute session is complimentary and will be used to define the outcome and strategize.

As always, Be good to yourself

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